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Jesus Christ to Step Down

7DFA AuthorIcon75 Jesus Christ to Step Down

ForcedResignationDTW 300x201 Jesus Christ to Step DownBoard of Directors for Mega-Church Corp Force Jesus Christ to Step Down as Head of Their Organization

by Chris Rosebrough on November 18, 2009 from

Lake Forest, CA – The Board of Directors for Mega-Church Corp announced today that they were forcing the resignation of Jesus Christ as the head of their organization.  The reasons cited for Jesus’ abrupt departure from Mega-Church Corp included Jesus’ increasing lack of understanding of the unique needs of 21st Century consumers as well as marketing data that clearly showed that Jesus’ old school message of repentance and the forgiveness of sins in His name (Luke 24:46-48) was just not resonating with today’s tech savvy religious customers.

Rick Warren, Chairman of the Board, for Mega-Church Corp in an email sent to the media said, “This was a tough decision to have to make.  Jesus has been the head of our organization since its inception.  But, Jesus’ insistence on sound doctrine and a core message that conjures up visions of sin, hell, God’s wrath and Jesus’ scandalous bloody death on the cross between two common thieves just isn’t relevant anymore.”  Said Warren, “Despite our insistence at previous board meetings that Jesus get his head out of the First Century and update His messaging to meet the felt needs of today’s religious seekers, Jesus stubbornly refused to take our council and sage business advice.  Ultimately, we had to think about the future of our organization and it was clear that we just wouldn’t meet our growth targets if we continued to use a 2000 year old message.”

Bill Hybels, Senior Member of the Board of Directors for Mega-Church Corp, commenting on Jesus’ forced resignation said, “This decision was long overdue.  Truth be told, we don’t need Jesus to grow Mega Church Corp.  Now that Jesus is no longer at the helm we expect our growth to sky rocket.

Joel Osteen, Junior Board Member for Mega-Church Corp, sounded relieved.  Said Osteen, “With Jesus out of the way, we can finally give religious consumers exactly what they want to hear.”

Wall Street received the news of Jesus’ forced resignation favorably, and Mega Church Corp’s stock price shot up nearly $7 a share ($6.66) in late afternoon trading.


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12 comments to Jesus Christ to Step Down

  • Don and Sandy Eubank

    this better be a joke

  • Deborah (Discerning the World)

    Don and Sandy Eubank

    Yes it is (Satire) and at the same time…

    No it isn’t because Jesus Christ if He ever was part of these people’s lives has been removed. In fact long ago, if you have not noticed the complete lack of anything biblical coming from their quarters – it’s because Jesus Christ (THE GOSPEL) has been removed.

  • Deborah (Discerning the World)

    Roger as per the 10 commandments of thou shalt not kill, it is plainly obvious to any genuine Christian that MURDER is wrong. Does agreeing that murder is wrong make one a Christian? No! So what is you point Roger???? If you think for one second that I would be happy they are killed then you are a plain ill (or a just plain ill) informed human being. Homosexuals are sinners, just like me, and you an anyone else, and if we ask Jesus Christ for forgiveness and make an concerted effort to CHANGE our wicked ways thereafter.

    NO ONE NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE DESERVES DEATH, VIOLENCE, TORTURE, bestowed on them for their sin. They are still humans lust like us who need to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ the Son of God and be saved. On the day of judgement what God chooses to do with those who wanted to live in perpetual sin and go against HIS COMMANDS I don’t know…that’s their problem.

    BTW, I thought God was Transforming Africa at a rapid pace? Did it slow down at Uganda?

    You Roger said to me on Ryans site: One day I’d like to find someone who has the same presuppositions as her, but with opposite opinions, and stick ‘em in a cage fight.

    Where do you fit into this non violence picture. Its very clear that you would love to see me hurt, really hurt, blood and all.

  • John Whittle.

    So, Jesus Christ is to step down eh? Is this some kind of hoax? Or maybe a smear campaigne against Rick Warren and Co; Ltd; We are instructed to test every spirit – including the spirit behind this report – and discern according to the authority of scripture. If this is a hoax, it should be removed. If there’s no evidence to support this claim then Mega-Church is innocent of this crime till proved guilty. The Board of Directors – it is stated – will force the resignation of Jesus Christ. Not possible! Jesus does not kow-tow to the whims of humans and be in submission to subordinates, it’s out of the question. Now, if Mega-Church decide they are no longer prepared to run the church in accordance with scripture, and slot in their own agenda, protocols and principles in exchange for the truth, just for the sake of filling the pews, they have violated the word of God. Thay are heretics and manufacturers of apostasy. This church will lead souls to a lost eternity. Where there is no Christ Jesus as the rightful head of the church, there is no church except a Satanic one. Jesus said “I will build MY church” not some cowboy church run by self appointed ministerial bosses. The bible teaches us that anyone who preaches any other gospel than that which Christ taught; will be cursed. Foolish Galations all over the world are still trying to usurp the authority of Almighty God. They bring in damnable heresies and must be stopped. First, we must be sure that this report is genuine, and if it is, we must make every attempt to destroy the works of darkness in operation here. Expose it for what it’s worth, and sharply reprove those behind it according to Ephesians 5: 11. Somebody please, come up with concrete evidence of this before we go any further with a prosecution plan. This could be spiritual sabotage.

  • Deborah (Discerning the World)

    Oh boy… this is not a report. This is satire. And if you have not noticed Jesus Christ is not longer part of the what the world calls Church. Jesus Christ is however HEAD of the true church, made up of born again saved Christians.

    I think I already said this above…

    So by all means please proceed with prosecution plans. Maybe you can use some of the money Rick Warren collected from his latest begging spree.

  • Jean

    I would like to point to Revelations 11 where it speaks of two Prophets that are going to be a “pain” to the people of the world. Then they get “killed” (taken out of the way)and every body is relieved and glad about his and gives each other presents to “celebrate” this occasion.

    Well, for some reason this “satire article” made me think of this “prophetic” scripture of the end times…
    It’s gonna happen sometime people… :-(

    I like the share price bit . . . The Share price shot up to $6.66 …gie gie gie… dead give-away :lol:

  • donna

    [Edited by DTW: Deleted, you were asked TO NOT COME BACK]

  • donna

    [Edited by DTW: Deleted, you were asked TO NOT COME BACK]

  • Prov22:16He that oppresses the poor to increase his riches, and he that gives to the rich, shall surely come to want.
    Why do we even bother sending our money to these rich hypocrites

  • Martin Horan

    At a first read, I was certain this was irony. I read it again and wasn’t so sure. But that’s how excellent a piece of satire it is because that’s really what these deceivers are saying in a blatant way. These charlatans are not in the slightest bit subtle that it’s astonishing that their dupes can’t see it.
    It’s a bit like like when Amillenialists are calling Jesus a liar–though we known they would never actually say, “Jesus is a liar.” But when Amillenialists tell us that the Fall of Jerusalem in 70 AD was the Great Tribulation, a cursory read of Matt 24:21 & verses 28-29 shows us that’s exactly what they are calling our Saviour.
    They are clearly contadicting Him which, in a sense, is the same thing as calling Him a liar. They are not aware they are doing so and are totally convinced they are defending Scripture.
    However: Warren, Hybels and Osteen are a different kettle of fish. They are in it for the power, the money and the fame. They are blatant apostates and deserve to be the butts of such mocking satire.

  • Osito

    Hi everyone, where can i see the stock market price of this mega church that was all most $7?
    Thank you.

  • Deborah (Discerning the World)


    This is a SATIRE article…

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