If you’ve read any of my other Calvinism articles, you know by now why it’s a false gospel. I thought you should see Calvinism in action, though, for there’s nothing like seeing its application in real life. Imagine, if you will, (no theological pun intended) a Calvinist witnessing his gospel to a lost man. What I will show you here is no exaggeration of their beliefs. I do realize that some of the views here are what is called “Hyper-Calvinism,” and for those that are uninitiated in this nonsense, it is basically Calvinism taken to its logical conclusion-that because God has preordained everything, nothing we do changes anything or makes a difference in the long run. Now I know that Calvinists will scream and say this doesn’t represent them, but if they are honest, they will admit that Hyper-Calvinism is what regular Calvinists teach, but they just don’t want to admit it. The word “choose” shouldn’t even be in the Calvinist’s bible. So then, some of my statements may reflect this other flavor of Calvinism, but it is just the same tree with a different branch. Calvinists (Hyper or non) can’t reconcile man’s free will with God’s will. They don’t think God’s sovereignty is big enough for including both. I will (there’s that word “will” again) use what they teach and show you the absurdity and madness of its teachings when preached to people who know nothing about it.
Most Calvinists don’t have the stones (It’s OK-it’s scriptural) to tell people what they really believe because they know deep down inside that their own teaching really is just plain contradictory. If they really told people what it means for people to be picked ahead of time to go to heaven and hell, I would venture to guess that they wouldn’t be talking to people very long before being laughed to scorn. Even the heathen recognize that if God is contradictory, they want no part of him. Calvinists know that, so since they won’t tell others what they truly believe when they are witnessing, I will do it for them.
Here is my parable of Calvin and Bob (Calvin the Calvinist and Bob the heathen):
Calvin: Hello there. My name is Calvin. You know, it’s no accident that I bumped into you at this restaurant and that we are having this conversation. Every move we make, every thought we have, everything we say, even everything we eat, is according to God’s predetermined will for us.
Bob: Hello Calvin. I’m Bob. Wow! So no matter what I do or say, it’s the will of God, right?
Calvin: Well, God gives us responsibility, and we are accountable to him, and everything that happens is his permissive will, and he is sovereign. In fact, he is so sovereign that nothing can happen without his stamp of approval.
Bob: So, was that a “Yes” or a “No” as to everything that happens being his will?
Calvin: Nothing happens that is not decreed or his will. Yes, everything is God’s will eventually.
Bob: So every act of evil that ever been committed on earth, from every murder to every rape to every blasphemous act is planned on purpose by God himself? Hey, that’s a new excuse criminals could use at court. God makes everything happen. So it’s really not “The Devil made me do it.” It’s “God made me do it.” Either way, it wasn’t the criminal’s fault. So why do any criminals go to jail? Didn’t God make them do it eventually?
Calvin: Nothing happens without God willing it to happen. Man is responsible for his actions even though God causes those actions to happen according to his will. In other words, even though God causes you to sin, you’re still responsible for it. Even though that might sound contradictory, and in fact is contradictory, I have no other way to explain that other than it’s a great mystery, you know, kind of like the Catholics and all their great mysteries of everything.
Bob: So God holds man responsible for what God himself makes him do? Isn’t God a judge? Would you think it was right for a human judge to condemn a criminal to life in prison for an act he was forced to do? If God is responsible for doing all of this, why I am responsible for what he does?
Calvin: Well, uh, well, you see, well uh, because God’s sovereign and he can do what he wants, and you can’t argue with that. The clay can’t tell the potter what to do you know. Romans 9.
Bob: Well, if I have no say in the matter, then I’ll just party like it’s 1999 because there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, right? I mean, God decided exactly what sins I am going to commit, and he in fact makes me sin, so since I have no say in the matter, I think I’ll just keep sinning.
Calvin: Well, if you’re elect, you won’t have that attitude.
Bob: What do you mean elect? How does one get elected? Does God vote for us?
Calvin: Well, we don’t know why God chose certain ones to go to heaven and most others to go to hell. In reality, there’s nothing you can do to get elected. You just have to hope you’re one of the chosen ones, I guess. Some of my church teaches, though, that if your Mom or Dad or grandmother or grandfather was elect, you will be, too. We call that “covenant salvation” so we won’t have to worry about our own children being damned to hell by God’s sovereignty. Isn’t that conveniently sweet?
Bob: Sounds like a heavenly lotto system to me and salvation by heredity.
Calvin: Well, let me preach the gospel to you and see if you are elect. If you’re elect, you’ll believe it as long as God gave you his spirit ahead of time so you can believe it, for we also teach that you’re so wicked you can’t believe anything about God anyway.
Bob: Why preach the gospel to me at all? Won’t I get saved no matter what you do since everything’s determined ahead of time anyway?
Calvin: Well, yea, you’re right, but I’m supposed to preach anyway just to make sure and look responsible. I’m supposed to preach to everyone in case there’s some elect person listening. Most of the time, though, I am wasting my time preaching to those who will never be able to believe anyway and who haven’t been chosen. Sometimes it’s just sad thinking about it.
Bob: That sounds hypocritical. I thought my will determined nothing. Why do you act like it does?
Calvin: Well, we like to teach that God is in total control but make people think their will still matters. It makes them feel like they have a fighting chance, when deep down, we know their will and choices mean nothing to God. God is sovereign you know.
Bob: Now, I may not know a lot of theology, but can’t God combine his sovereignty and man’s free will and still make things work out as planned since he is Almighty?
Calvin: No, that would mean that man’s free will controls God. God’s sovereignty is not that strong.
Bob: Sounds like your God’s sovereignty is not all that sovereign. Is he intimidated by man’s freewill? I always thought God could make it work using both.
Calvin: We just can’t see how God could incorporate man’s free will and his total sovereignty. We just think those are irreconcilable. We haven’t figured out how God could do that, so we say he can’t. We call that Calvinism. Those who disagree with us we call Arminians. We say you have to believe one way or the other. We like to set up false choices like that because most people won’t recognize it’s a set up.
Bob: Well, if it will help you out any, even though I’m lost, I still think that if there’s a God, he must be able to plan around things like man’s freewill. If not, I don’t think that’s a God I’m interested in-one that can’t even plan around man’s freewill without getting upset that his sovereignty is challenged.
Calvin: Let me just try this gospel out on you and see if you are elect. The scriptures say that God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life. Now the way we see it, that really means that God so loved SOME of the world that he gave his only begotten Son to them and them only.
Bob: You mean he didn’t love me enough to die for me?
Calvin: Well, technically speaking, God didn’t die for you unless you’re one of the chosen ones from eternity past.
Bob: So how do I know that I’m one of the chosen?
Calvin: If you believe in him.
Bob: But I don’t know what to believe, and you said I can’t believe anyway, that God has to make me believe. If God hasn’t made me believe so far, how do I know I’m chosen to believe?
Calvin: Yes, it’s kind of tricky, but you’ll catch on. Just keep praying that you’re chosen and maybe you are. If you’re not praying that your chosen, you’re probably not. Then again, if you are wanting to be chosen and aren’t chosen, then, well, I haven’t figured that one out yet.
Bob: So if I want to be saved, does that mean I’m elect and chosen?
Calvin: No, not necessarily. Nobody wants to be saved unless God makes them want it. I don’t even know if God made you want to be saved until you actually get saved.
Bob: So if I tell you I want to be saved, that’s not truly me desiring that? That’s God making me desire that?
Calvin: That’s right. According to the Protestant Pope, John Calvin, our beloved founder, you are so wicked that you don’t have any capability of desiring God, so he has to want it for you.
Bob: So how do I know the difference between me and God, between my desire and his?
Calvin: You can’t. They’re one and the same when it comes to desiring him. Our religion won’t let you have your own desire to be saved. We say you’re too wicked.
Bob: That sounds like I have to get a lobotomy to be saved, that God has to give me a spiritual brain transplant.
Calvin: No, we call that regeneration. God regenerates you to believe in him.
Bob: I thought I heard someone quote a scripture that said,” As many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God.” That says you can receive him and then he gives you the power to become a son of God. Doesn’t that say you can receive him first before he gives you power? Also, there’s another scripture that says “after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that holy Spirit of promise.” Believe first, then you get his Spirit. It’s not rocket science.
Calvin: Well, there are many scriptures that sound like you can believe him and receive him, but those all really mean the opposite of what they say. There’s others, too. Just remember that every time Jesus says “whosoever can” or “all men can” or “come unto me,” what he really is saying is, “Whosoever of the elect can” or “all of the elect can” or “come unto me all you elect”. See how that works? You’ve just got to know the right lingo and code language and what Jesus really meant. Only Calvinists know what he really meant.
Bob: So every time Jesus told a crowd of people “Come unto me and be ye saved,” he was only talking to the elect ones? Did the un-elect know that he wasn’t talking to them, and if not, doesn’t that make Jesus a liar by offering salvation to them when they couldn’t have it anyway?
Calvin: Well, Jesus offers salvation to everyone, but only the elect want it. Jesus knows the un-elect don’t want it, but he goes through the motions to offer it to them also just to prove to them they don’t want it.
Bob: So let me get this straight. Jesus, the man who never lies, offers salvation to those who aren’t chosen, who don’t want it, who can’t believe in it, and who can’t receive it, and who won’t be given it anyway, and then he damns them for not having it?
Calvin: Yes, it was his good pleasure to do that. He has that right you know. Jesus was obviously a staunch Calvinist.
Bob: You’re telling me that Jesus has the right to lie to people by offering them things they can’t receive, to make them think they can go to heaven but really can’t? Shouldn’t Jesus just have come out and said: “Most of you have not been chosen to go to heaven, so everything I offer you is only for the elect?”
Calvin: We choose not to look at it that way; I mean, we were meant not to believe that way (“choose” is a “no-no”). We only focus on God’s right to do what he chooses whether it makes God contradict himself or not. God’s sovereignty always trumps the truth and his other attributes.
Bob: So God didn’t die for me?
Calvin: I don’t know if he died for you. Maybe. It depends on if you’re electd. I don’t know if you’re elect. So I have nothing to promise you or offer you unless you can prove to me you’re elect. If you’re elect, he did die for you. If you’re not elect, he didn’t die for you.
Bob: Can the Lord save me?
Calvin: He can only save those he promised to save and no more. Once that number is reached, salvation is no longer being offered. When the scriptures say that Jesus “is the Saviour of all men,” “all” doesn’t really mean “all.” It means “some.” Darn that King James version!
Bob: Didn’t Paul say that Jesus “is theSaviour of all men, specially of those that believe.” Doesn’t that show that he is the Saviour of the elect and everyone else?
Calvin: Yes, it does sound that way. We teach that means that Jesus is the Saviour of all the elect, specially the elect that believe. Even though our explanation sounds ridiculous, we hold on to it at all costs. We just can’ t understand why Jesus went around giving the impression that everyone could be saved. We need to talk to him about that. But I guess he’s sovereign, and he can do things like that. We’re just the clay, you know. Can’t tell the potter that he sounds contradictory to our theology.
Bob: So he can’t forgive my sins either?
Calvin: God only died for the sins of those he cares about. The rest of mankind is out of luck. The Bible says Christ died for our sins. It didn’t say “your” sins. Christ is our Saviour, not yours, unless you’re elect of course.
Bob: Well, if you don’t know if Christ died for my sins, why are you even preaching to me? You can’t tell any man and be honest that Christ died for his sins and rose for his justification. You can not offer any man that hope, can you?
Calvin: Well, since only the elect had their sins paid for, and since very few are elect, then there’s a good chance he didn’t die for your sins or most people I talk to. Since I don’t know who’s elect or not, I can’t tell anyone, anywhere that Christ died for his sins. I would be lying. So I have to say things like Christ died for man’s sins and make you think he died for yours when I know good and well I have no idea if he did or not.
Bob: So you really have no good news to offer anyone personally. You just talk about God dying for sins in general but no one person in particular. Is that right?
Calvin: We don’t like to put it that way, but yes, you’re right. Christ died for the elect, his chosen ones. You’re either one of them or not. Don’t take it personally if Christ didn’t say he died for you. He didn’t have to save anyone you know. He’s sovereign. I just love saying that word.
Bob: Don’t take it personally? If he didn’t die for me and my sins, then he doesn’t even want to save me. What kind of Saviour is that?
Calvin: That’s what makes him even more special to us, knowing that he died for only us and not every Joe Blow. Aren’t we blessed? We call that limited atonement and unconditional election. Sounds intellectual, doesn’t it?
Bob: Sounds like a god who plays favorites and could care less about me.
Calvin: Oh, he cares greatly about the elect. If you’re the elect, then he loves you so much.
Bob: He does? Did he die for my sins and lay down his life for me?
Calvin: Well, he did for some people. Isn’t that good enough for you?
Bob: I always heard “God is love”. I guess you retranslated that to “God is love for some.”
Calvin: We just don’t understand all the deep things of God like his unconditional limited atonement and irresistible grace and all that other theological jargon. But we must accept it, nonetheless, even though it makes us look like complete idiots.
Bob: How about just believing that God can save anyone? Is anything too difficult for him?
Calvin: Yes, he can can save anyone if he chooses. But he didn’t choose that. But that doesn’t mean he plays favorites even though it sounds like he does. We are aware that scriptures says he is “no respecter of persons,” but we believe that means other things that don’t contradict this teaching. There, that makes me feel much better.
Bob: So how does God save someone? Does he make them believe in him since you say man is so wicked he can’t believe?
Calvin: That is right. God forces you to believe in him even though you don’t want to since you don’t know him yet. He puts his Spirit inside you and makes you a new man without you believing any part of the gospel. You don’t have to believe the gospel since you can’t if you wanted to.
Bob: I thought you had to believe Jesus is God and he rose from the dead?
Calvin: Well, you admit those things AFTER he saves and regenerates you. You’re too wicked to believe those things before he saves you.
Bob: So nobody can really believe anything about God anyway, can they?
Calvin: Not until God makes them believe against their will. God converts you first so you can believe him and get converted again. Wait a minute, I think that’s what we teach, but that doesn’t sound right, does it?
Bob: So God makes you a believer so you can believe? That is contradictory.
Calvin: It may sound contradictory, but that is just the mystery of his sovereignty that you will have to accept.
Bob: Let me get this straight. You don’t know if I am elect, so you don’t know if I can believe anything. You don’t know if Christ died for my sins and rose for me, but you’re hoping I might believe that anyway because I could be one of those ones he secretly infused with his Spirit before they knew anything and made them a believer without them knowing a thing.
Calvin: Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. We like to say God chooses you and gives you his Spirit so you can believe him.
Bob: Is that true love to make someone love you who doesn’t love you to begin with?
Calvin: That’s one of those human analogies. You can’t apply that to God.
Bob: I thought God became a human, so why can’t I apply that to God?
Calvin: Oh yeah, you’re right. Ooops. Well, again, we don’t put it in that perspective. We like to think that God prepares the hearts of those he loves so they can love him. There, that sounds better.
Bob: Well, I am a father, and if I had to do that with my kids to make them love me, I wouldn’t want that kind of love from them. That’s fake, artificially created love. I want my children to love me out of their own choosing, not because I made them. Doesn’t that sound reasonable? Is that the kind of love you want from your children?
Calvin: No, that’s just man’s wickedness. Man is too wicked to love, so God has to make him love God. That’s just your Armenianism coming through. You don’t think man is wicked enough. Your sentimentality won’t convince me.
Bob: So when God gave Adam a choice between the good tree and the evil tree in the Garden to prove his love for God, that test was rigged? Man’s choice wasn’t really involved?
Calvin: “Rigged” would be a harsh term. We prefer “pre-ordained foreknowledge”. There, that sounds much better.
Bob: Well, since I literally have no choice in anything I do concerning God, then I’ll just wait around and see if God chooses me or not. In fact, no matter what I do affects his will anyway. My will doesn’t matter, so no matter what I do, God’s will prevails right?
Calvin: No, no, today is the day of salvation. Scripture says, “Now is the acceptable time.”
Bob: If now is the acceptable time, then that must mean that my will and his can co-exist, and I can choose him at what time I choose. Right now is as good as any time and not only at some pre-ordained time.
Calvin: You know, you do have a point there. Why would God say, “Now is the acceptable time” and “Today is the day of salvation” if man only comes when he’s been chosen to come, including the chosen time? Those scriptures do say man can come at any time and get saved. That does throw a kink in the armour.
Bob: I think the scriptures aren’t as sovereign as you make them out to be.
Calvin: They certainly do cause us trouble from time to time, but our commentaries always have an answer.
Bob: Faith doesn’t come from hearing commentaries, does it?
Calvin: Well, they certainly increased my faith, so that scripture is suspect also.
Bob: Well, I think I you need to work out your theology before you witness to the next guy. I may not know my Bible, but I have enough sense to recognize when someone is opposing himself. If God chooses us to become like you, I’ll pass on your sovereign god. God must have pre-ordained me to have some common sense!